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TEXT | @Punisher

[ooc warning: Religious tones, catholic terminology, all of which will probably be very inaccurate. ]

So, back home I was something of a priest, and I was thinking of offering my priestly services of confessions to those who are in need. Some of you might be asking whats a confession, or why should I bother? Well, let me tell ya! A confession is you admitting your sins and receiving penance and absolution. All that shit that’s bothering you? That bad thing you did? Or that good thing you didn’t do? Think of it as a ‘clean slate.’

And you don’t have to be religious. I think everybody deserves to get it all off their chest, ya know? Don’t need absolution? No problem, but how about an impartial, unbiased soul to unburden to? Feel guilty and need a way to feel better? I can suggest penance for that.

All I ask for in return is a donation. Not bad, right? All confessions stay in the confession booth, or inbox, however you feel comfortable doing it. I’m not here to share your secrets or judge. Anonymous is fine, just show proof that you donated.

C’mon, it’ll make ya feel good!

Amen.

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[ a few minutes later, as promised, he moved their conversation to voice— which might make this still an awkward exchange, but denji promised himself to stop if it got too weird. the guy got his money, so he wouldn't give a fuck if he cut their conversation short. it's fine.

as soon as the priest answers, denji begins the ritual abruptly, deciding there is no need to waste time over small talk. ]

Uhh ... forgive me Father for I have sinned. [ not that nicholas can see it, but denji did the whole 'cross' motion all wrong. a total mess of a start but the intent remains genuine; he's not fucking around, at least. ]

[He's definitely never done this sort of thing like this before. of course, the whole confession for pay thing is a relatively new attempt for him. But he is at least genuine in giving a shit about people. So, he's gonna try. Even if he probably does the cross motion wrong half the time himself.]

I'd ask ya how long it's been since your last confession, but since this is the first time we'll skip that. So, lets get into it. What sins do you accuse yourself of?

[ ah, he's getting nervous now. he was quiet for a bit, trying his best to gather his thoughts, gather enough courage, and check with himself -one last time- if he truly wanted to do this with a stranger. then again, isn't it better this way? less shameful? the emotional detachment made it less difficult, as denji knew his honest thoughts wouldn't hurt the other person, in contrast to sharing such a vulnerable confession with a loved one. there was a moment of hesitation, followed by a heavy sigh and a subtle 'fuck it' muttered under his breath. fuck it all. ]

I didn't have the best life growing up. Let's say I didn't trust men in general. I never met one that was kind to me. And finally, I was lucky enough to meet someone who, for some fucked up reason, genuinely cared about me.

And I killed him.

[ there's a pause, tone doubtful and a bit timid. ]

He somehow made it to this city. We talked, he said he forgives me, and ... I'm just confused why I still feel like ... this. Like, his forgiveness didn't change anything. Like it didn't matter. It felt like empty words ... if that makes any sense.

... and that's for my first sin. [ more like 'second' but he can never stomach talking about the first one. ]

[Oh. Okay, the first guy to give him a real confession and he's suddenly thinking maybe this was a bad idea. No, he's not shocked or appalled by his confession, but damn if the similarities of something he's struggling with too don't just strike him. If he believed in something other than coincidences he might be suspicious here.

A part of him wants just blurt out it's really fucking annoying when forgiving people forgive you right???, but he doesn't. But oof, he feels this dude's pain.

He clears his throat after he realizes he's been too quiet.]

Sometimes forgiveness from others comes much easier than the forgiveness we can give ourselves. We'll work on that, but first-

Why did you kill him?

[Curiosity? Sure. But reflecting on why they sinned is also a part of this...he's pretty sure he's remembering this right.]

[ well, 'annoying' might not be the word denji would use, but it is certainly frustrating when forgiving people do forgive. when the question of why came in — denji was a bit startled. it suddenly hit him that he had never thought about that part. he was too obsessed with the act itself and not the reason behind it. silence followed, and then— there was a sigh. a heavy one; as if he's forcing himself to go through with it and it's getting a bit harder by the second.

it helps when he doesn't overthink and just fucking spits it out and rushes it. maybe then it will hurt less. ]

He was different that day. He was alive, but also he wasn't. He was something else. I begged him to stop. I was crying, too. [ fuck, he hates this part. he hates it too much, but he'll push through. ] Look, I was stronger. I knew I was stronger than him. I could've stopped him. I could've figured out a way to help him. Maybe? I don't know why I wanted it to just ... end. I didn't fight for him. I just gave up and killed him instead.

[ he takes a moment, another deep breath, trying his best not to sound so fucking pathetic. well, trying but is borderline failing. ] ... will your god forgive this sin?

[Well, he can definitely hear the guilt in the guy's words. And while a lot of it is vague, he doesn't need the details. It paints enough of a picture. A picture of emotions and necessity. and a lot of fucking hindsight.

His god would probably applaud anyone that ended another human, but the one he's read about, he'd like to think he'd forgive killing in necessity.]

Taking a life is pretty high up there as far as sins go, but since it wasn't done in spite or avarice, he can forgive.

God gave us emotions, be a shit ass thing to punish us when they run high in intense situations. Hindsight's just a tool of self-flagellation.

[There's the sound of a lighter being flicked on, a pause as he's obviously inhaling a brand new cigarette. This shit is kind of intense when the guy's sins are echoing right back at him.]

What's your second sin?

[ he's a bit conflicted about that answer. if they're meant to act on each and every emotion, they'd start murdering each other at this point. god shouldn't expect them to act on impulse, denji assumes, but— yeah. he's confused. unsure if he should be forgiven that easy, but if the priest didn't throw holy water at his face and called him an evildoer, he shouldn't complain.

the second one is a bit challenging. ] After I killed him, a friend ... really close friend of mine was killed in front of me, and ... I kinda let it happen? I could've done something. I guess I didn't know it would happen, so maybe her death isn't my sin. What's fucked up, though, is ... I went back inside the apartment with her killer. I sat down on the sofa and spent the night there. I ... didn't say anything. Didn't do anything.

[ there's a pause. even when he kept a casual vibe with his tone, it was evident his breathing was growing a bit heavier and more uneven as he spoke. ]

I got my shit together and after a long epic battle, I killed the devil that took away my friends. Oh, I forgot to mention the devil was someone I was in love with, so it ... kinda hurts. You know? being the one to end her life. Even after all she did to me, I still didn't hate her.

[ that was his second and final sin. something he could never admit to aki. how could he tell him he didn't hate makima even after all she had done? what will he think of him? denji didn't know and didn't want to. he was going to end it there, until- ]

... What's the church's view about cannibalism? Is that ... another sin I have to confess to?

[jfc, he feels like he needs to make notes here. How did it go from a simple mercy killing to...this soap opera bullshit???.]

...that's...damn, man. Look, god isn't really into the whole revenge thing. So not killing her ain't a sin. and the heart can betray us. it doesn't listen to good or evil or even fucking logic. so even if she was a shitty person, I think it's okay, if you didn't hate her. forgiveness is a big part of all this, right? sounds like you're pretty easy going for everyone but yourself.

[A breath.]

-But what the hell?? yeah eating people is a god damn sin! I mean...were you starving? maybe its not if you were starving. the soul is gone and its just flesh...

[ that reaction—

ah, another unsuccessful attempt. it's a bit disappointing but expected. he can't blame the priest for getting all rattled, though. ]

... Your god is so merciful. I guess I'm all good then? All sins are forgiven?

[ aside from the cannibalism, ofc. ]

[Some things he just hadn't prepared himself for. Also, now he's kinda concerned that there's a mysterious people eater out there. He'd really like an explanation for that one.]

Hey, hey. Don't rush the process. Are you done? You gonna explain that last one? Can't do the whole forgiveness thing for ya if I don't know the why. Or at least that you don't plan on doing it again.

[ and here denji thought that was the most timid confession out of everything that has happened in his life, but — hmm, he could be wrong. ]

Uh, I guess I'll keep asking for forgiveness over this one.

[ he might need (want) to do it again. kinda had to do it before he got dragged here into this city, and in his defense— the guy deserved it. this is the only sin he will not regret. ]

Does it help that they're not entirely human? and they're really bad, bad people?

[Yeah, thats what happens when someone asks an assassin for forgiveness.]

Uh... maybe. [But also his best friend is not entirely human, so if he's going around eating non-humans that might be problematic too.

He is so out of his depth here. So just give him a minute of silence as he debates with himself if eating bad not entirely humans is actually okay or not.]

...is there a reason you eat them?

[ his best friend —the guy who likes to wear a corset— will be fine. he's too nice, too friendly, too everything. denji has no reason to hurt him.

he waits, still a bit puzzled why this one was difficult to answer over the shit he confessed. ]

Yeah. The first time was the only way to make sure they would never come back. Dead for good. The second time ... I'm not sure. The third time, I was angry.

[ yeah, this started as 'i had to do it' and moved to 'kinda okay with it'. ]

Feel like three times makes a habit...[Loud, but his next thoughts are just mumbled aloud.] but I guess communion is kinda cannibalistic. Body of Christ and all. Except they use bread. Maybe the first time they used his actual body...and that's like every Sunday...

[He clears his throat.]

I think it can be forgiven. But this one requires penance. Since it falls into the whole gluttony thing, [JFC.] your penance is to gather up food for the poor, to be distributed to any kids you find on the street. And no eatin' living people, or people adjacent, no matter how angry you are.

... they ate his actual body? [ he has no idea or knowledge about this religion; nothing outside the basic information that he managed to gather from watching some movies, but - huh?

penance for this and not killing his best friend?!! denji was so close to yelling 'objection' until the priest mentioned poor, starved children and — yeah, considering he grew up in the streets, eating garbage and barely surviving, this is something he would do in a heartbeat. it's something he's already doing in his free time since he has a steady source of income. ]

Okay. I'll do the penance thing.

[ there's a pause. ]

.... What if it's a devil with a human body?

[UM.]

Yep, there's a whole ritual around it. Eat his flesh. Drink his blood. But he's a god, so he can just heal again. That was back in his involved days though. He's not exactly around feeding hungry people anymore, or...doing anything, really.

[Not that he's actually ever been to one of these rituals.]

Good- wait, is that a thing here? I guess if it's already dead. How's that work anyway? Do you eat it raw? Do you at least cook it first? You're not sharing with unsuspecting people, right?

Ooooh. Okay.
Got it.

[ listen, this is hardly anything weird from where he comes from, so denji is merely taking it as a learning experience. no judgment here. ]

Let me ask you a question first. Have you ever been around creatures who look human but they're not? You know, before coming to this city?

[Oh good. No follows up. He appreciates that.]

Yeah, a couple. But they weren't demons.

And demons or devils are the bad guys in your book, right?

[ again, depending on the basic information found in the movies he'd seen. ]

Feel like it's more figurative back home. It's mostly humans and a group of things called plants. They're like generators, they give us food and water and materials. We'd die without 'em.

[Though, it's always been his belief that humans are closer to devils than God.]

But sure, demons and devils are bad.

[ that's right. so fucking right. humans are far closer to devils than god himself. ]

Then, eating them shouldn't be a sin.

Yeah, okay, maybe it's not. BUT

[Emphasized here.]

Kinda sounds like you struggle with impulse control. So, maybe you should try to refrain from eating human shaped things.

[And there are gods here, whats the chance there might be a demon too?] So, penance and move on, alright? And as for the other shit you've done-

[A sigh as he tries to think of something. Maybe he's not an actual priest, but that doesn't mean he's heartless. Man seemed pretty fucked up about killing his friend.]

You said your friend was here, right? You can't ask for forgiveness from him, it ain't your right to do so. But you should tell him, all of it. If you haven't already.

... Okay, I can do that for you.

[ anything human shaped will be off limits (for now). he was a breath away from saying 'except makima' but — even someone as dense can tell this conversation is somewhat stressing the other man. that's enough for one day.

and it's about time for denji to have a taste, too. ]

Huh? Tell him everything?!! [ after a long, long pause. ] ... Can I just write him a letter instead?

[He exhales a breath. That's probably better for everyone here. He'd probably just give a wide berth to anybody munching down on body parts, but there seems to be a lot of sensitive people.]

'Preciate it.

[He snorts at the request, shrugging even though the other man can't see it. Honestly, a letter sounds like an easier approach, drop it and run. But that also means there's no follows up questions or correcting assumptions.]

Sure. You do know that comes with it's own punishment, though, dont'ya? You have to wait. And that wait is going to hurt. But you can consider that a part of your atonement.

Ah, he'd probably storm into my room the second he's done reading it ... but, I get it. This whole thing is a punishment already.

[ then again, it did feel like an endless cycle of guilt and self-hatred ... isn't that enough to atone for his sins? death sounds far more merciful than living like this.

however, more importantly - ]

After I've done all of that, I'll be forgiven? For everything?

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eyeofmyass - 2024-09-30 19:48 (UTC) - Expand

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TEXT | @Punisher

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csm spoilers

aaah i like this so much

... same ;; thank you for tolerating the trauma lore

absolutely dump it all

❤️

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