synnet | ( obligatory birthday post )

You are a cry-baby and you would totally work for food so I'm not sure what point you're making here.

And I did. Art's my passion. Ish.

I didn't know you were an artist!!!

What else have you done?

All kinds of stuff. Graffiti art, doodling, spray painting, crafts. I'm a talented girl.

Also are you trying to distract me from your bday? Booooo.

Maybe? Is it working?

( It's obviously not working. )

It's fine, it's fine. I just - it's my brother's birthday too. I'm a twin. I guess I was just going to ignore it, since he's you know. ( Dead. ) Not here. Which is kind of silly. I've had over a hundred birthdays without him by now.

Well. You've always been kinda silly too.

Wanna go grab something? My treat.

( He should say no, he's not exactly Mr. Cheerful, and avoiding everything was his way of containing that. But it's Jinx, and she's been nothing but accepting of him - even if she teases him sometimes - and maybe he could do with someone to hang out with. )

Yeah, okay.

Meet you out front in twenty?

( He has to wash his face so the damp isn't half as obvious. )

Gotcha, see you soon!

[ everything's fine for birthday times. of course she recognized the brother lore drop, but jinx knows how to bide her time. birthdays should be fun at least. ]

( He appears as fresh-faced as he can be, glasses covering up most of the red-eyed post weeping damage. Either way he's hurrying towards her, a package in his hands. )

Okay, so I was at the tanabata and I won you something, only I forgot to bring it, so you're getting it now. ( It's his birthday, and he gets to give people things if he wants. Which means he proudly presents Jinx with her very own bubble gun, you're welcome. ) It shoots bubbles! Like, so many of them. And I know you're a sharpshooter too, so I thought why not? I'm real good at festival games, and there's only so many plushies I can bring the kids.

( Have the most terribly earnest of baby faces, Jinx, take this old man's offering. )

[ jinx gives him a perplexed look, hands on her hips. ]

Uh, do you not know how birthdays work?

[ that being said, jinx is never going to say no to presents and the bubble gun is cute. she promptly shoots a couple of them right in his face. ]

Birthdays work how I say they work.

( A sniff. )

Besides, it's about sharing the joy. That's what Rem says.

[ jinx slips the bubble gun safely away in her hammerspace pocket, thanks to the gloves LILITH gave her. ]

Who's that?

( Ah. )

My mom? She was like a mom anyway. Our first birthday she made us these hats, and a cake. It was great.

( First, and he was the size of an eight year old and too clever to boot. )

That's neat. An adoptive mom.

My first dad used to do shit like that. We didn't really have fancy cakes, but he'd make this awesome meat pie and we got to have some of the top shelf drinks. Just a little.

A meat pie!

( It sounds cute. He wonders how old she might have been. )

When's yours? Just so I know to be prepared!

[ a casual shrug. ]

I dunno, maybe a few months from now?

( A lil' side-eye. )

September? Or October?

[ right back at you. she knows what game you're playing. ]

October. And that's all you're gonna get.

Stop using me to be weird about your birthday.

Just tell me closer to the time so I know, okay? And then we can do something. We'll go look at the animatronics at the zoo.

( That's ... a birthday activity, right? )

Also I'm not being weird.

[ she raises an eyebrow at him. ]

Yeah, yeah. But you are definitely being weird.

Bad memories?

Kind of.

( He pulls a face. )

The last one wasn't great. I've been trying not to think about it.

No, you haven't.

[ casually, not critically. jinx eyes her own fingernails. ]

You want to stew in it. Let those memories drown you as they come rushing back. And you want to be alone in them.

( His whole body falters in his step, pale face turned to look at her before he puts his eyes back on the pavement again. )

I don't think I deserve anything else.

( Casually, too. )

I think today should hurt. That's only right.

Okay, but you get that being hurt doesn't actually fix anyone else's hurts.

It just means there's more hurt all around.

( He's silent for another few steps, clearly thinking. Vash knows she's right, he knows it makes sense. If anyone else were doing this around him he'd try the very same way she is. But still, his throat hurts.

He trusts her though. She's been kind to him. So he shoves his hands in his coat pockets, rounds his shoulders a little. )

My brother's dead. He died a year ago today.

( A mournful little hum. )

I'm the one who killed him.

[ that's rough buddy. jinx's expression doesn't shift much. ]

My sister tried to kill me. And I tried to kill her. It sucked. Mostly because she couldn't get the job done.

[ sighs. it would have been nice. peaceful. no more grief, no more voices, no anything. the stain that she is, wiped clean. and jinx wouldn't have let anyone else do it. vi, though . . . vi had that right. ]

I've killed lots of people. I was a kid with blood on my hands. So much blood. If you hate it so much, it's better to get a bullet in your head than to mope. What's that going to do?

It'll never fix you. Or him. Or anything.

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cw: suicide ideation