synnet | ( obligatory birthday post )

[ jinx slips the bubble gun safely away in her hammerspace pocket, thanks to the gloves LILITH gave her. ]

Who's that?

( Ah. )

My mom? She was like a mom anyway. Our first birthday she made us these hats, and a cake. It was great.

( First, and he was the size of an eight year old and too clever to boot. )

That's neat. An adoptive mom.

My first dad used to do shit like that. We didn't really have fancy cakes, but he'd make this awesome meat pie and we got to have some of the top shelf drinks. Just a little.

A meat pie!

( It sounds cute. He wonders how old she might have been. )

When's yours? Just so I know to be prepared!

[ a casual shrug. ]

I dunno, maybe a few months from now?

( A lil' side-eye. )

September? Or October?

[ right back at you. she knows what game you're playing. ]

October. And that's all you're gonna get.

Stop using me to be weird about your birthday.

Just tell me closer to the time so I know, okay? And then we can do something. We'll go look at the animatronics at the zoo.

( That's ... a birthday activity, right? )

Also I'm not being weird.

[ she raises an eyebrow at him. ]

Yeah, yeah. But you are definitely being weird.

Bad memories?

Kind of.

( He pulls a face. )

The last one wasn't great. I've been trying not to think about it.

No, you haven't.

[ casually, not critically. jinx eyes her own fingernails. ]

You want to stew in it. Let those memories drown you as they come rushing back. And you want to be alone in them.

( His whole body falters in his step, pale face turned to look at her before he puts his eyes back on the pavement again. )

I don't think I deserve anything else.

( Casually, too. )

I think today should hurt. That's only right.

Okay, but you get that being hurt doesn't actually fix anyone else's hurts.

It just means there's more hurt all around.

( He's silent for another few steps, clearly thinking. Vash knows she's right, he knows it makes sense. If anyone else were doing this around him he'd try the very same way she is. But still, his throat hurts.

He trusts her though. She's been kind to him. So he shoves his hands in his coat pockets, rounds his shoulders a little. )

My brother's dead. He died a year ago today.

( A mournful little hum. )

I'm the one who killed him.

[ that's rough buddy. jinx's expression doesn't shift much. ]

My sister tried to kill me. And I tried to kill her. It sucked. Mostly because she couldn't get the job done.

[ sighs. it would have been nice. peaceful. no more grief, no more voices, no anything. the stain that she is, wiped clean. and jinx wouldn't have let anyone else do it. vi, though . . . vi had that right. ]

I've killed lots of people. I was a kid with blood on my hands. So much blood. If you hate it so much, it's better to get a bullet in your head than to mope. What's that going to do?

It'll never fix you. Or him. Or anything.

That doesn't really work with me.

( A bullet to the skull, he means. ) I'm like a bug, I always crawl away from the wreckage.

( A laugh, a little hollow. )

I miss him though. I think that's the worst part. All the things we've done to each other, and all of the time we've spent apart, we didn't talk to each other for a century, and I still miss him. He'd be so unimpressed, he hates when I'm a cry-baby. He also hates birthdays though, so he'd be double unimpressed. Do you miss your sister?

Yeah. Shame, right?

[ that last question though. jinx goes pensive, tight around the corners. like she's building walls around herself just by thinking about it. she misses vi. she doesn't miss vi. the way she is now . . . vi will never love her.

and she can't . . . help that. ]

I guess. Sometimes.

( He notices the way she tightens up, swings more into her space to knock his real arm against hers, friendly. )

Family's can be really complicated sometimes, it's okay.

[ jinx gives a disbelieving snort, but it's not really directed at him. ]

Wow, tell me something I don't know.

( A hum. )

If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would you choose?

Whose birthday is it anyway?

[ jinx is going to grab his cheek and pull it. ]

Enough waffling. You need to choose.

( He immediately starts whining like a kid. )

Ow! Hang on, hang on, I'm thinking. Usually I just keep wandering, or I find somewhere to get drunk.

Lame.

Think bigger.

( !!!!!!!!!

He doesn't know what's bigger. )

I want -.

( A pause, a hum. )

To go buy an instrument?

[ she squints. on one hand, that seems like a distraction. on the other hand, what. ]

An . . . instrument.

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cw: suicide ideation

gonna continue the trend

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