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Pardon me for interrupting, but I have something that needs to be said.

[ He's polite enough, standing out in the common area, but Nanami has a very serious expression on. Extra serious today, since he's holding one of the sad, worn real paper books in his hand. Considering he's made his appearance resemble a suit, he could pass for someone's stern PA. ]

The library on the premises is in need of more care, but it's still functional. The books in this world are mostly digital, so items like this should be considered rare specimens. Even though they aren't common in daily use, they're valuable you should look at them as precious antiques. Treat them as such. And YET-

[ He opens the book to reveal some heavy line scrawls over the page. Someone was apparently treating this as free paper for doodle practice! ...or map-making, sure, but doodle practice to him. ]

This item is an example of traditional printing methods that began over a thousand years ago. In this age, these techniques are already practically lost arts.

I would deeply appreciate if everyone would respect the library and leave it intact. I understand that the appearance isn't very inviting, but I will attend to that part personally. Please don't make things difficult for me.

[ Okay, maybe the PA of some gangster. Nanami does nod, though. ]

Thank you for cooperating.

[ And now with that out of the way, still riding a very serious wave: ]

Itadori-kun. I need a word in private.

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You know where the greenhouse is? Be there in five minutes.

[ Clean and concise. ]

Right! I'm on my way right now, I'll see you soon!

[ He even salutes! ]

[ Even though he said five minutes, Nanami is already there when Yuji arrives. He was trying to sort out the library anyway, so it's not much of a trip to get to the meeting spot. He's also apparently dressed in a suit. It's just the modification over his appearance, but it makes him feel better at least.

When he sees Yuji approaching, he faces him with arms folded. ]

You can have a seat if you like.

[ He even chose an area with one of the benches for him. ]

Itadori-kun, do you remember what we talked about at the hotel?

[ Yuji's patented speed isn't doing him that much good when it comes to Nanami waiting for him, but at least he's not late; that would make the situation far worse, and he already thinks that he's a little too close to being in trouble again.

How many problems is he going to cause Nanami before they're finished here? He doesn't want to keep doing it, but...

Slowly, he steps over and sits himself down. This is definitely a scolding. ]

I remember. I know I was sleepy, but I wouldn't forget something like that.

The timing was inconvenient for us both, so I wanted to give you a chance to say whatever you might need to say now.

[ Fess up. Now is the one and only chance he's getting before Nanami takes the lead. ]

Any thoughts you might have held but couldn't say then, you should say them now.

Ah...

[ Yuji wiggles with discomfort, lifting his hand and scratching his hair absently. ]

Honestly, Nanamin, I have been being careful! I haven't done any work for a while, and I'm making sure now to use the healing thing too much. I listened!

[ He waits, giving Yuji the extra grace to think about his answer, but after a few long, silent minutes, he frowns. ]

Why are you trying to be careful? Only because I asked you to? If that's your reasoning, I don't think you were really listening to me.

[ This is like a quiz he didn't study for. ]

No, it's because... It's a lot otherwise, isn't it? So it's a good thing to... Rest?

[ 70% ]

Do you think you are adequately resting for the amount of effort you've been putting in? Be honest.

I don't feel tired, if that's what you mean.

[ Leaning back on the bench, he frowns, tilting his head. ]

I don't go to bed too late and I wake up at a normal time, too...

That isn't what I mean.

[ Not entirely. But he can understand the answer anyway. ]

Are you only holding back because I asked you to, or because you actually want to avoid being hurt? If I hadn't asked you to refrain from excessive risk, would you still remember to hold back?

And why is a stranger coming to tell me that they're worried about your habits?

... No, I don't think I would.

[ There's no point lying about it, is there? Nanami has earned the truth from him, at a bare minimum, and Yuji doesn't like the idea of telling falsehoods to a man he cares about so much either way. Rubbing his face, he sighs.

Stupid Bakugo... ]

He was exaggerating. He shouldn't have done that.

He wasn't. He was relaying his feelings about what you said.

[ Not in very nice terms, sure, but Nanami is used to far worse from sorcerers. He can make sense of some tsundere interrogations. ]

He questioned whether I was playing a part in your behavior as well, and he asked if I was going to stand by and allow you to be sacrificed by someone else under the pretense of doing what is right. I'm going to make sure you know the answer right now: I will never stand by and allow that to happen. The future that we face may be difficult, but it's not something you should accept without fighting.

Nanamin...

[ Eyes widening, he lifts his head. He almost stands up, almost reaches out, but he forces himself to stop. ]

It's not a sacrifice. Not really. It's an execution. To stop Sukuna.

It's a sacrifice. My duty is to protect the people who can't protect themselves. That's my job as a sorcerer. And that is your job, too, not to be the excuse for other people to escape their own responsibilities!

[ Maybe because Bakugo forced it out of him or maybe because Nanami is finding out why ghosts exist--that frustration and pain truly outlives life beyond death--he raises his voice. ]

You are a jujutsu sorcerer. You weren't taught to die. From now on, I want you to remember that.

Then why was it the first thing that Gojo-sensei told me, Nanamin? Why was it the first thing he asked of me? 'Die now, or find Sukuna's remains and die after taking them into your body'.

[ Now he's getting emotional. The weight drags at him, makes him feel sick and numb, and Nanami raising his voice... That makes it hurt so, so much more. He doesn't want to be scolded, to be shouted at, to get in trouble... But...

He keeps making mistakes. Because of that, people keep dying. Junpei, Kugisaki, Nanamin... Others get hurt, too. Fushiguro, Inumaki... He covers his mouth for a moment as he just tries to breathe. ]

Everything I have done is to save people and kill Sukuna. Why would anything else matter? I know what my role is! To kill curses, to kill him. In the end, that's what matters. Not me.

[ Realising what he's said... Leaning back, he waves his hand over his face. ]

Ahh, Nanamin, I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry.

Edited 2024-01-17 22:17 (UTC)

[ Those are difficult words to hear. He knew they would be, and he'd forced the issue to get it over with as soon as he could. Just power through and face whatever horrible truth Yuji had to bring him. What he was really thinking behind his casual attitude.

And yet he's still shaking, clenching his fist so hard he might break the skin. ]

Because we failed you. Gojo- Gojo is as crazy as the higher ups, but if there is a one percent chance of victory, then he can make the most of it. The chances of you remaining a sacrifice because we don't have any other options is unquestionably high, because we don't. We don't have better plans. We sacrifice our allies and buy a little more time. But he didn't call me to make you into a sacrifice.

[ He's saying too much now, but what does that matter when he's already past his time? ]

You kill curses. You'll keep killing. This life isn't going to get any easier. It won't be any better to live knowing that the end isn't decided anyway, but there are always monsters. Whether it's this battle or the next one, it doesn't actually end with you. But I don't want you to continue believing that your death is what matters. From the beginning, and no matter what comes next, your life has been necessary.

[ Yuji doesn't want to talk about this; the urge to get up and leave is utterly overwhelming, and he almost does it. If Nanami tries to stop him he knows he can outrun him, he knows he could avoid him if he wanted to, but... He doesn't, really. He doesn't want to leave Nanami alone, worried about him, filled with regrets. He doesn't want anything except the quiet comfort of having his mentor back in his life.

None of this has been fair and, objectively, he knows it. If Yuji hadn't consumed the finger, one of the curses might have, and things could have been worse. He was a vessel able to do the one in a million, and it made him stronger, better, a powerful sorcerer that could deal with curses and try to find a way of making peace with it all. The things he has suffered have shaped him, for better or for worse.

But... How can his life be the necessary one when it's led to so many other people losing theirs?

What he wants to ask is why Gojo chose to call on Nanami in the first place, when they got along so poorly at first. Why does he keep failing, if his life is necessary. Why can't he save anyone that he loves? He doesn't want to sacrifice people, not if he can offer up his own life in exchange, to save them from whatever fate awaits them. He's one person, from an unimportant family, who accidentally gained the power to fight curses.

He isn't special, so why do people treat him like he is? ]

I understand that. [ 'You kill curses'. Yeah, that's his role. A cog in the machine of jujutsu sorcery, part of the mechanism that keeps the world turning. One piece that works and does what he's told in the hope of making a difference. Feeling a swell of shame, feeling pathetic, he breathes out. Lifting a hand, he wipes at his face, pushing the heel of his palm against his eyes. He can't cry, not again, not in front of Nanami. He can't keep doing this to him.

Your life has been necessary. It makes him shudder. It curls through him and makes him bow his head. ]

Maybe one day it'll be okay for me to live. Maybe I'll have earned that right, and if my role in this is to die, and that's okay, too. I made my peace with it, all the way at the beginning. This whole time I've known what was waiting for me, that's why I didn't try to fight Okkotsu-senpai that hard, you know?

[ Breathing out, he opens his eyes, daring to look over at the other man. ]

I don't know if I have that kind of belief. It's my fault that so many people died, I won't deny it, because I'm guilty of that. But maybe I can do enough good that it'll make it okay in the end. I think... I'd like that. [ Sniffling, he tries to manage a smile. Sharing so much of how he really feels, that solid weight in his stomach... It's as bad as cursing Nanami, surely. ] Sorry. I'm doing a bad job of carrying your share too.

That isn't your job.

[ He had been dwelling on it since he first saw Yuji cry when they reunited. At first, Nanami had tried to look past it and hope that his words wouldn't become such a damning curse on Yuji. He had almost stupidly wanted to think it could have come out soft enough to be encouragement, but now the truth was rolling back toward him like the wave they recently tried to stop. Nothing goes out of him that doesn't become a curse. ]

Your job isn't to worry about my life. Bringing you into this, not being able to control our own problems, is what led to all of this to begin with. I know it's not what you wanted. If you need to curse us, I won't blame you. It's what we deserve.

[ Good people deserve good lives and bad people deserve suffering and sad deaths. Nanami can't blame anyone, especially Yuji, for wishing a miserable death on him or any of the ones that hurt them. He's just another sorcerer, as bad as the rest. ]

Even if you've accepted the situation, you should fight for your own life. Your role is just to be a person. That's all we can ask of you. Anything else is just greed and fear. You were unlucky, but it's not your fault that things turned out this way. It's ours. Those that suffered because we didn't do more, including you, suffered because we failed them first. You don't owe anyone anything. But if you can, I still think you should try to help those who can't do what you can. It's unfair to ask, but sorcerers are dirty.

It's not about 'job' or 'have to' or anything like that. It gave me strength when I really needed it the most.

[ It's hard to explain, isn't it? Yuji can't put into words the way that Nanami had saved him, in the end, despite his death. Maybe it had taken Todo to realise it, but he had figured it out in the end, his soul finding those broken parts and pulling back together: What have you been entrusted with? Use his sins to run, ignore the legacy left to him by Nanami, the strength, the acceptance... In that final moment, Yuji had felt so strong because he knew he had the memory of Nanami to give him what he needed.

The words hang on his tongue as he tries to figure out how to express that, mixed up with his own confused, broken feelings of self-worth - or lack thereof. A cog as part of a machine, who doesn't feel the fever, who fights for the purpose of dying in the end. None of it makes sense, does it? ]

I'm never going to curse you, and I don't want to hear you saying stuff like that. [ He scowls, irritable and frustrated at the idea. ] In the end, you saved my life, even if you didn't mean to. Even if you meant for the words to hurt me, or save me, or... Whatever you wanted them to mean. You saved me, Nanamin, when all I wanted was to die. Thousands of people were killed because of me, them Mahtio killed you, and Kugisaki barely any time later... If I didn't have those words, I would've run away.

[ Knowing Yuji, he probably wouldn't have fled: he would've found some reason to keep going, but Nanami helped. Nanami put the pieces of him back together, even without him realising it. If it hadn't been Todo, maybe someone else would've found him... Or maybe he would have died, and Sukuna could have died with him. Enough of him, at least. ]

I'm going to help the people who need it, because that's the choice I've made. It doesn't have to be a promise or a curse.

[ Yuji always speaks directly from his heart. It's the best and worst part of everything he says, sharing his affection and his pain with a sincerity that makes Nanami's gut twist painfully. He's glad that Yuji doesn't see his dying words as a curse, even though they did become one, but at the same time he's not sure that Yuji was saved, if all he's doing is suffering and struggling with regret. Against the weight and pain that Nanami can't erase, it's difficult to find a way to ease that feeling that Yuji has to bear alone. And it's hard not to see it as their fault for letting a kid end up in that position at all.

And yet Yuji keeps going on and struggling with it. If only he didn't do it in the most destructive way possible. Nanami sits down on the bench next to him, drawing in a breath and exhaling heavily. ]

If it's your choice, then that's what you should do. But you shouldn't do it because you think you have to, or because you have something to make up for. We do things that should not be done, we kill others against our will, and you shouldn't feel that you are any worse than any sorcerer you've met. I know you haven't seen it, but those around you have done their own crimes. I didn't want you to have to think about that.

[ Because he's selfish, as usual. He wants to preserve the innocence he still sees in Yuji, always looking out for others instead of growing to hate and resent them for the many ways they wronged him. The blind trust that can only exist by not knowing how corrupt and hopeless everything is was a trait Nanami didn't want to see go out in Yuji's eyes, even if it meant he kept facing more pain. ]

You should curse us. But I'm... I'm sorry, I'm still happy to hear you say that this curse kept you alive.

[ He covers his face with a shaking hand. ]

I'm not ready for you to die.

[ Watching Nanami sit down, Yuji feels that same strange sense of being stretched out, as if he has been drawn too thin. He's never been good at talking about how he feels or what is actually going on in his head, so being openly honest now is difficult. He doesn't want to be a problem for Nanami, but he keeps doing it, even when he tries to make things better. He wants to take all that suffering and pain and put it on his own shoulders, but he doesn't think Nanami will let him do it.

Hearing those words from Nanami, though...

Yuji isn't sure how to comfort someone like his Nanamin, someone who seems so strong and put together all the time. Seeing him laid bare like this, knowing it's linked to the affection that they have for each other, should make him feel bad, but... A little part of him is glad to hear it, that Nanami doesn't want to see him go. The confirmation that someone he cares about, as much as he does Nanami, cares in return is a relief, especially with all the problems he's caused.

Adjusting his weight a little bit, Yuji leans close, settling himself into Nanami's space without hesitation. He rests his head against Nanami's shoulder, closing his eyes and breathing out gently. They're being honest with each other, aren't they? Admitting the truths and the burdens in their hearts, even if it's too painful. Yuji might still bite his tongue a little bit, not wanting to confess it all, but... Maybe he can keep being honest too.

Maybe they can share their burdens with one another. ]

I'm never going to curse you, Nanamin. You're too important to me, and you always will be, even if it sounds strange for you to hear. I keep your memory close to me, because it makes me feel... Stronger.

[ He hums softly, trying not to nuzzle into Nanami, seeking comfort. ]

I don't want you to have to see me die. I don't want you to feel how that felt. [ Shibuya. The people, thousands, Nanami, Kugisaki... ] I'll work harder on living, not just for you, but for myself too. It might take me a little while... Is that okay?

[ Nanami leans forward with his head bowed into his hand, trying to find the right response despite knowing he's just burned through every correct answer he should have given. He shouldn't have said all of that. Even if they are no longer being held under the rules of jujutsu society, he's still a traitor. And while he personally might not have any real love for what they do, the ones that always mattered most to him lived on the ideals of that society. He upholds the best parts of it for them, for everything that they poured into it and sacrificed their lives to. He's betraying their memories as much as the parts he hates.

But what is he supposed to do? Ignore the suffering right in front of him? That's something that Nanami can never allow himself to compromise on. Even if he can't escape the consequences, it's better to face what is right in front of him than submit to cruelty he can't agree with. Absently, he finds himself asking ghosts once again what to do. What is he supposed to choose if nothing is right either way? He hears Yuji say that he doesn't want him to have to see him die; to feel what he felt, but Yuji doesn't know how late that sentiment is.

Nanami lets out another breath, running his hand back through his hair as he sits up and turns toward Yuji, slipping partly away from his weight to examine him. He lifts his arm and pulls Yuji under it, locking him under an awkward hold and keeping him in place. ]

It doesn't have to be right away. And it shouldn't be just so others don't have to lose you first. We all live with that risk every day. I'm saying that if you do lose your life, it shouldn't be over something like not trying or thinking that what you can do only amounts to numbers of lives. Affecting a single person still matters, and if you can breathe, you can still do something.

[ Haibara, I'm sorry. Try not to hate me for this. ]

I don't know what the answer is either. Living is complicated. The dead have it easier... but the dead can't change anything. That part is still up to us.

[ When was the last time someone comforted Yuji like this? He's trying to remember.

I can no longer stay with everyone; he should've kept that promise. He should've maintained that, because then Fushiguro would've been safe, wouldn't he? Yuji can lay the blame at his own feet, the constant chances to make sure his friend was safe. Even if Fushiguro would've chased him the whole time, Yuji knows the right choice was within his grasp. Saving himself doesn't mean anything if he isn't able to save Fushiguro at the same time.

Yuji's expecting Nanami to nudge him back a little, to put space between them - he wouldn't blame him for that sort of thing - but then he's wrapped up under Nanami's arm, and it feels like a relief. The urge to run away is tempered by the solid understanding of Nanami doing what he can to ease some of Yuji's painful feelings, and it's the kind of relief he could never have imagined deserving. Nanami, surely, has better things to do with his time now that he's alive again than worry about what Yuji is doing, but here they both are. Seeking and offering comfort in a twisting, gentle spiral that's impossible to ignore.

Nodding his head, he musters himself, trying to squeeze his eyes shut to stop the tears. He'll fall apart otherwise, and that will be embarrassing, to cry all over Nanami again like he had that first time. There's only so much he can do before he becomes someone worth avoiding. ]

Yeah... Even now, I can still do something. That's true.

[ Even if he loses control of Sukuna, even if somehow what he thinks happens will happen... As long as he is breathing, he will fight for the best outcome. That's the kind of thing he can do, and it's what he's always been good at: determination, strength, pushing himself back together again to overcome whatever grief he is given. No matter what he suffers, Yuji will overcome it. ]

Nanamin... I'm really glad you're here. Even if this is hard for you, I'm glad I get to spend more time with you.

Don't forget that.

[ The stern tone returns, and Nanami's hold turns into something like a headlock, tightening to drive his point home with physical force. If he has to, he'll hunt Yuji down and fight him personally just to keep him from being too reckless. He wants to be able to trust Yuji to act on his own beliefs, in others and in himself, and if he can't rely on him to do that, he'll just have to intervene. Talking is his attempt to make his own opinions clear without having to get in the way of Yuji's life. ]

You're still a kid. Don't get cocky just because you're stronger now.

[ And that isn't what he means, but he gets rough with Yuji anyway, pulling him harder under his arms. It's not about arrogance, but about the constant self-effacing focus that puts all of the weight on his own shoulders. The way Yuji won't consider that others can't just give over their pain to him. That as much as their love is an intimate feeling that belongs only to them. Their lives and deaths can't be transferred to him--that is the kind of mindset the singularly powerful have, thinking that their strength makes them different from other people. ]

There's nothing wrong with just being a kid and worrying about yourself. It's difficult. It's painful! So if you know that, then stop making me worry about you.

[ Once he finally gets the urge to strangle Yuji in a chokehold out of his system, Nanami loosens his arm, only to grab him roughly by the shoulders and turn him so that they're facing each other. ]

Listen to me. Listen, because I don't want to repeat myself. I'm not going anywhere. You got it? Take your time. Get used to that. You can call if you need to. I'm not going to leave you here, and neither are your friends. So I don't want you taking stupid risks just to check on us or hear that you've been saying you should be traded just because we put you in a shitty position to begin with. If you have to to anything, get angry. But make sure you know where you're putting that feeling.

[ He shakes him just a bit. It's to snap him out of those dark thoughts. ]

I've got you. Do you understand?

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